More legendary Old Holborn...

From the blog of Kerry McCarthy, MP:

Little Tyson WON’T be strutting around the playground in £90 trainers this year. He will be wearing Primark plastic trainers that you bought for £6. He WILL survive, trust me. Most of the other kids will be wearing them as well. 99.99% of the kids in the world wear nothing on their feet at all. David Beckham may feel the pinch as his earnings from the mongs who buy his endorsed shit goes down a million or two, but his wife still has her career. He’ll get by.

You will not be able to take the entire family and Nanna to Disneyland twice a year and put it on the plastic. Trust me, this is a good thing. Eventually, your children are going to have to earn their own money and if you have been teaching them that spunking every penny you have up the wall is a good policy, they have been ill advised and are in for a large shock later in life. 99.99% of the worlds children do not know what a Disneyland is or have any need to know. Spend the money paying back a bit of last years lager fuelled bender to Benidorm before you start spending even more of other peoples money.

You will have to sell your Saxo wiv da big exhaust and get the bus. Yep. Tragic isn’t it? No more wheelspins away from the lights wiv ya crew in da back, trying to get that bird with the tattoo on her tits to shag you. If you want her to shag you, be nice to her, be attentive to her needs and show her you care. Handbrake turns are not romantic.

You may have to cook some food. This is a hard one. 99.99% of the world has managed it but somehow, life without the “ding dong” of the Dominoes Pizza man (with free Cola) arriving at your abode everynight, spilling out utter shite for you to eat on your laps whilst watching the Simpsons is actually not a bad thing. If you can save up £100 (without immediately spending it on a PS3 game or a handbag) you could buy a dining table and some chairs. Then, you could sit as a family and eat together. Maybe some of you could talk about stuff. Decide things as a family, plan days out together and get to know the other people who live in your house. You can buy food in markets. Those shouty blokes waving green stuff in your face as you head to the Bingo are actually selling fresh food. All you have to do is cover it in salt and sugar and boil it for an hour. Then sit down at your table and eat it. Topped with lard for all I care

Your house. This is a hard one, because some of you saw stuff on Sky and thought you had to have it. So that hot tub you bought on the Barclaycard and have used twice (both times to invite your wife’s mates over, although you weren’t so keen when they brought their slimmer hubbies and your missus whipped her tits out, were you?) and was a snip at £4K didn’t actually ADD £4K to the value of your house. In fact, it turns out that spending £20K on patio heaters, a ride on lawn mower, a “chiminea” and koi carp has actually brought no return at all. Apart from more letters offering “consolidation loans” secured on your foreskin.

A recession means you will have to live within your means. It means that you can no longer spend money you have not earned. Just like the rest of the planet in fact. It can be done. The rest of the planet manages to do it, so can you

OH’s 10 money saving tips for poor people who don’t realise they are poor yet (but fucking will, soon enough)



1.Stop spending money
2.Cook and eat food yourself
3.Don’t go to Menorca with Nanna on shit holidays you cannot afford
4.Stop trying to keep up with the fucking Joneses who are just as fucking skint as you
5.Get the bus
6.Life is short. Do stuff that doesn’t cost money. A walk with the kids for example
7.Put a jumper on
8.Get a bike
9.Stop pretending to be rich. There is no shame in poor but honest. Even if you lost everything, you still have more than most of the planet. Which is why half the bastard planet is trying to get here in the back of lorries.
10.Tanning/nail studios are the work of the devil. Stay away from them
Go and look at some really poor people (the Scottish or Welsh is a good place to start) and you may just understand that it doesn’t matter what other people think. Including me. You've been sold fools gold and it ain't the end of the world. Anyway, serves you right for voting Labour, you tossers.

Seriously, Old Holborn for PM!

Edit: Just seen that this was an old post from OH, but it's a bloody good one, so it shall remain here.